A realization that I have come to lately, is that as much as beautiful materialistic things, and killer outfits/appearance are part of what I have always been captivated by, the inner state of one matters and affects more. I will give my self as an example, since i was very young my eyes were fixed on outer beauty not just in myself, but in people, places, things and so on. Growing up small, and quite slim in my structure i was often left feeling not intimidating in a way (haha sounds bad but its true, we all want to be a little intimidating), because I was constantly told that men want a fuller woman, and women envy/compete with the women that are deemed desirable. And so i took that MY desire to re-assure or secure my spot as a desirable person ( ALONG with my already existing passion for beauty/style/glam etc) and dove into the beauty world to learn and progress as much as I could. End result…I got what i wanted, I proved my point to myself that I was beautiful and that certain body types were not alone entitled to beauty, and in the process grew even more passionate about beauty.
But then i realized one day, you can be beautiful, presented in a put together way, have a great job/education, be striving and STILL feel incomplete, or a bit low. But why i asked myself. It was because i missed the chance to get to know my non-physical needs, I had to set standards and cut so many toxic, non-supportive people out, which meant daring to stand alone, I had to go back, take a big gulp and re-open old wounds in attempt to heal and move forward. Today I feel physically beautiful, I have worked hard for good jobs (still a student , so part time/freelance), I strove in school, but i need to build myself inside out, tell myself i am worthy of respect, and good things, and i do not need to be perfect or mould myself to be accepted by everyone.